Before you get all up in arms about this article, realize this...IT IS, AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN, A JOKE. I posted this in 2004 because it was so freaking hilarious. Now, years later I continue to get e-mails from people who are too dense to understand this. The article below was taken from the long retired adequacy.org, which was known for satirical articles like the one below, COMPLETELY MEANT TO PUSH PEOPLE'S BUTTONS. My co-worker and I laughed for an entire day straight before I posted this, which I did as an attempt to share something that we thought was amazingly hysterical. If you don't think you'll understand the joke about this, move on and find something else to get your undies in a wad about. For anyone else, enjoy the read :-) So sad that I actually had to explain this, sort of ruins the joke.
Comment added 4/30/2010
I just read a shocking article where a concerned parent made the horrifying discovery that his son was a computer hacker. Reginald Gibbons and his wife Carol, being modern parents, decided that their children's education would benefit from using a computer. So they purchased a computer and installed many fun application programs such as Microsoft Word and Adobe Photoshop. Imagine their horror when their youngest daughter Cindy, rushed into the room and blurted out “Peter is a computer hacker!”. Well, Reginald started an investigation into the world of hacking. He published his findings in an article in an attempt to help other parents, so they can save their children from the evils of the hacker world.
Here are 10 sure-tell signs that your son is a computer hacker:
- Has your son asked you to change ISPs? Most American families use trusted and responsible Internet Service Providers, such as AOL. Beware of these requests to change providers.
- Are you finding programs on your computer that you don't remember installing? Popular hacker software includes "Comet Cursor", "Bonzi Buddy" and "Flash". If you start finding these kinds of application programs on your computer, it is time to give your son a stern talking to, and possibly consider punishing him with a grounding.
- Has your child asked for new hardware? Computer hackers are often limited by conventional computer hardware. They may request "faster" video cards, and larger hard drives, or even more memory. If your son has requested a new "processor" from a company called "AMD", this is genuine cause for alarm as they deliberately disable the security features that American processor makers, such as Intel, use to prevent hacking.
- Does your child read hacking manuals? There are, unfortunately, many hacking manuals available in bookshops today. A few titles to be on the lookout for are: "Snow Crash" and "Cryptonomicon" by Neal Stephenson; "Neuromancer" by William Gibson; "Programming with Perl" by Timothy O'Reilly; "Geeks" by Jon Katz; "The Hacker Crackdown" by Bruce Sterling; "Microserfs" by Douglas Coupland; "Hackers" by Steven Levy; and "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" by Eric S. Raymond.
- How much time does your child spend using the computer each day? If your son spends more than thirty minutes each day on the computer, he may be using it to DOS other peoples sites. DOSing involves gaining access to the "command prompt" on other people's machines, and using it to tie up vital internet services. This can take up to eight hours.
- Does your son use Quake? Quake is an online virtual reality used by hackers. It is a popular meeting place and training ground, where they discuss hacking and train in the use of various firearms. You should ensure all the firearms in your house are carefully locked away, and have trigger locks installed. You should also bring your concerns to the attention of his school.
- Is your son becoming argumentative and surly in his social behaviour? As a child enters the electronic world of hacking, he may become disaffected with the real world. He may lose the ability to control his actions, or judge the rightness or wrongness of a course of behaviour. This will manifest itself soonest in the way he treats others. Those whom he disagrees with will be met with scorn, bitterness, and even foul language. He may utter threats of violence of a real or electronic nature.
- Is your son obsessed with "Lunix"? BSD, Lunix, Debian and Mandrake are all versions of an illegal hacker operation system, invented by a Soviet computer hacker named Linyos Torovoltos, before the Russians lost the Cold War. It is based on a program called "xenix", which was written by Microsoft for the US government. These programs are used by hackers to break into other people's computer systems to steal credit card numbers. They may also be used to break into people's stereos to steal their music, using the "mp3" program. Torovoltos is a notorious hacker, responsible for writing many hacker programs, such as "telnet", which is used by hackers to connect to machines on the internet without using a telephone. If your son has installed this program, you will have to send your computer back to the manufacturer, and have them fit a new hard drive in order to get rid of it.
- Has your son radically changed his appearance? If your son has undergone a sudden change in his style of dress, you may have a hacker on your hands. Hackers tend to dress in bright, day-glo colors. They may wear baggy pants, bright colored shirts and spiky hair dyed in bright colors to match their clothes. They may take to carrying "glow-sticks" and some wear pacifiers around their necks.
- Is your son struggling academically? If your son is failing courses in school, or performing poorly on sports teams, he may be involved in a hacking group. Excessive time spent on the computer, communicating with his fellow hackers may cause temporary damage to the eyes and brain, from the electromagnetic radiation. In extreme cases, over-exposure to computer radiation can cause schizophrenia, meningitis and other psychological diseases.
It is equally as shocking to read the comments where people identified as 'l33t sl4shd0ttaz' come to defend their evil hacker ways. Freakin hilarious.